From Anger to Love
As Anger begins to be seen and valued, We are becoming more Patience, Calm and Joyful. And You know that the Feeling of Happiness and Love are Slowly Filling You.
Let’s continue. From Weakness to Strengths, now let’s talk about Love. To Accept and Receive Love aren’t that easy for me as well; as in fact, I wasn’t familiar with it. It’s felt irritating but perhaps, the right word is overwhelming. It is strange for me and I’m sure It’s not easy for those who had been living with Anger for whole of their life to just suddenly able to receive the warmth of Love and Happiness just like that. A lot of unworthiness are often appeared, didn’t know on how to respond and behave towards receiving Love itself too.
Most of my life, I had been the one who kept giving everything, I’m a giver. And especially if you’re aware of Asian’s Culture; we are unconsciously trained to be a Giver — to give everything even you have nothing to give, keep giving. So when, I started to open Myself to the World and Suddenly, People are “offering” me, I felt unworthy and even sense of “doubts and negative thoughts popped”. What are these person intentions? What did I have to Lose or Pay Back in Return or in Future?
The same way I lived with Anger as the Primary Emotions for Years, The same way I am beginning to live with sense of Joy, Peace and Love right now. I have to BEGIN AGAIN — LEARNED, UNLEARNED AND RELEARNED Again and Again!
From Weaknesses to Strengths, People like My mom and my friends are often kept telling me “You’re too Kind” even to those who betrayed or rude to you. My mom also kept telling me since I could remember when, NOT TO BE KIND to People! Don’t Give Too Much & Trust People. I knew she said it because people were often took advantages from me, they ended up hurting me more. Despite that, this heart, just couldn’t done anything like how others had done to me. This consciousness of mine kept telling me to do good, to be good and kind and to Love even it was truly painful experiences especially in terms of Love Relationship. For all of these time, The relationship were all Toxic.
I did blamed myself a lot from loving too much, from giving too much and from just expecting people to love me so much. Just like Anger that’s slowly Killing me, Loving and Love also an emotion and action that silent killer for me, a possion. But each time the pains had passed, the only person I become, is a person who’s having more Love and Compassion to myself and to others especially since I begin my Awakening. From hatred of being treated unfairly to beginning to understand The Whys You accepted that, The Ways Others Became like that and Treated me like so.
“Expectations and Possibilities” are often the issues. We expected so much, see so much possibilities, believing in so much of the thoughts and minds, because when we are truly seeing and facing the truth, we know, these are just illusions. It’s okay,
We are all have dreams, expectations and possibilities but the question you need to ask “For How Long do You want to Ignore what You See, Make Illusions and Justifications In Your Mind, Forgetting and Not Listening to the Painful Heart and The Aching and Other Symptoms shows Clearly in Our Bodies? ?
When is wrong, Our whole body is continuously keep giving signals; from those random negative thoughts to having anxieties through dreams or continuous of the same thoughts.
Another thought that society planted in us “what You Give, You’ll Get Back”. But how many times in our life when we give, we barely get them back? I had given 100% in all of my love relationship and what I got back in return was betrayals , disappointments, emotional abused, rejection, being used and such. And at the same time, we were thought that, the respond we got aren’t positive often. We ended up becoming heart-less and becoming more expecting and controlling.
See, The Emotions of Love and Loving, are also like any other negative emotions that become our primary Emotions. They don’t have beautiful stories all the time; I went through every relationship since I was 15 until now, 38, with full of pains and tears, I should had lost the touch of Loving and Giving Love, right?
But See, the Fact of I’m a Lover, is also I have to accept. I had always been ignoring and hating myself as a Lover, as someone kind and compassionate. I had no idea why people were so mean to me, so abusive, so taken advantages of me, I felt I’m cursed of being a Lover, of having so much love within me especially when Your Mom and Friends’s talk were happening and came true. I doubted a lot about myself even hated myself from being too kind, too soft, too loving, too “weak”. Even I questioned that so many times to the LORD and Universe, Why do you give me so much Love inside of me and its hurting me a lot.
Yes! Having that much Love within even killing me, I had been taken advantages because of that most of time. A Boomerang for me, Just like Anger, Having so much Love is also a Boomerang for me. Cliche ey?
You are all know that in Society, we are thought to be Compassionate, to be Kind to Others, we were being pushed to be a service to others before ourself. We are thought to put other first before our own needs and wants, to be available to others first, before we are available to ourself. When we expect so much, believe so much only to be awaken, that we can’t push people to fulfill our expectations and believing in the possibilities they. have within them, if they aren’t allowing themselves to receive love, to be loved, to be seen by themselves first.
The Moment when I begin to accept, to understand and to learn again about Love, Loving and Allowing Myself to Receive Love, I realized that Love = Compassion = Joy = Kindness are not something we truly seek in others nor in ourself. These are The Essence that we are truly made of — Our True Essences.
From Being Weaken by Anger and Love, to Be Strengthen because of Anger and Love Because what is weaken us, is actually our strengths and the vice-versa. From ignoring that I’m a lover to admitting that I’m a Lover, I Adore Love and I love being in Love and Loving. Others may “harmed me” but they are the one who are actually harming and feeling more pains than I do.
I begin to understand, the world doesn’t need another person to revenge, to hurting others , the world need a lover, the one who know that no matter what, love wins, the one who brings Joy and Laughter, the one who show that person/community/society that no matter how cruel they’re to you, You’re still going to Love Yourself and Be Loving Again. It may sounded I’m a fool, but I believe, My Love, Light and Joy are The Emotions they aren’t even aware or experienced purely. When someone new give you different experiences in. Your Life, we would rejected them because our definition of Love, Joy, Happiness may not existed in our life dictionary. So
Before You are able to Experience the Sense Emotion of Love, You need to understand clearly and be honest with you, What is your Definition of Love. Because a lot of us are defining Love = Trauma = Pains = Harmful that’s why we are not yet ready to receive Love, to be loved and to become Love itself.
My Presence may not changed their life at that time, and the experienced I went through were painful for me, but I know, everything has something to give, something to learn and grow. Maybe because of my presence, they are beginning to open their heart, and because of the lessons they give me, I become more of valuing myself too. Either way, we Learn and Grow but Learning and Growing is a decision to do and become.
Yes! I am also in the process of healing the “Love”, I have within me but I’m Growing because I am still also healing my Fear of Abandonment and lately, the fear of Being Alone. and Yes, I do still experience Anger, but the anger didn’t take the whole of me.
I let myself feel the emotions, feel the angers, disappointments including to the LORD and The Universe. I am so angry to myself and I have NO-ONE to Blame because I know the fact “My Inner and Outer World areCollapsing and I don’t Know what I need to do; I need Help from The Divines, I wanted my “ways” and all I kept Receiving are Rejections :)
Thank You for Reading and hope it strengthen You. Come and Let’s Rising in Love.
