I’m still angry even I meditate! -Hello!

I’m still angry even I meditate! Oh hello people, certainly, meditation does not make me calm, like everyone expected and know. Introducing me, Grace from Jakarta, Indonesia who has been in my meditation journey for almost a year now! Admittedly, I don’t meditate everyday.

Those who meditate is generalised as zen bodies and we, are expected to be able to control our emotions by being calm, in zen mode, and laugh or smile when someone treated or speak with us without respect. But, hey, we are human, living in 3D world, where our ego is still dragging us and our society is still living with high egos, not even understand themselves and lacking the dose of unconditional love for themselves and others.

Here me out, dear society, those who meditate are actually becoming more expressive, more self-conscious rather than controlling their emotions. We become more authentic and showing the world of who we truly are. Yes, we become like those people in the circus, doing our own show to the world by loving and accepting ourself as a whole, first.

My surroundings (mom, helper, workers, and friends) said since I start to meditate, I become even more impatience and even more angry than the usual. Well, what they don’t understand is the “why”. I higher my tones because they are accustomed to the old me; where they don’t want to listen to me , then later putting the blames or disappointment towards me. Yes, I’m easily triggered but also, the energy that I passed from my angers is different despite it’s an anger. I am building my fortes and use my anger as a form to make a clear confirmation of my intention is “ I want you to listen ” instead of just making a conclusion for me based on your own inability to listen.

My meditation journey began in February 2017 and with almost one year journey, I actually changed but people unaware of it. The changes in me that my surroundings aware or unaware off are :

1. I become more emotionals. All the emotions are being shown and spoken out whether it’s anger, sadness, happiness and this is what keep me shining brighter.
2. I’m becoming more of who I’m, knowing more of me and building myself to be who I want and meant to be. And that moment when you decided to create a new you, and living life with purposes, that when the universe and GOD starts to do wonder in you. The wonder doesn’t necessarily “look beautiful”, but it surely, it leads you to the beautiful life roads.
3. I become what they society call “egocentric” , “selfish”, but how can I give you an unconditional love, if I don’t love myself truly? How can I can love, respect, and admire others, if I feel unworthy of myself? I have to become an inspiration, a changemaker for myself first, than to others. Yes, it have to be beneficial for me first than to others and put your guard (ego) down.
4. I’m peeling more layers inside of me; I started to remember the traumas, the unhappy moments, and understand more about those unprocessed emotions inside of me that is living gloriously inside the deepest core of me. I become more empathetic and I fear that for years.
5. My chests are often paining as I’m opening my heart chakra even wider. It pains not because I couldn’t move on, it’s paining because I decided to embrace the fears, feel it again, remembering again. That is the only best way to move on and being able to feel love and happiness. How can you feel love, spread love and receive love, if your heart feels very less emotions? For so many years, It was hard for me to cry, to let go and to let my heart feel the pains. I limited my heart to feel emotions and that is just so wrong. I made me felt strong, but instead, its blocked my energy from flowing and created more chaos in life.
6. The changes are confusing most of time. The reality is so bitter, the problems are arising, and I becoming more stress than before. However, this is the best part — despite those problems are seem to just not yet done and feel I am living in the same old situations but I feel peaceful, calm, happier and more free. It simply because the way I feel about myself has changed. I feed myself with more nutritions called love.
7. I am very talkative but now, I feel, I talk less or I’m trying to filters them. I do still speak bluntly, but you know, there are just some things that I keep in line.
8. Everything becomes more segmented. By doing meditation , it means that your energy level is also higher and not everyone can tag along with you. For my case, everyone changed, I’m walking alone. For some, it sounds really sad, but deep inside of me, I realize and feel so peaceful and happier. A very less dramas in social life except with myself and working environment. I feel more segmented, more focus, more understanding and accepting that although everyone judge my loneliness, but the peacefulness and happy-go-lucky-attitudes that I have is what everyone wish to have most of their time.
9. Music taste changes. I do still listening to the top 40’s and all, but somehow, I am listening more of those instrumental positive energy songs even more. I feel calmer and more sensitive to the songs and words I hear and love. Sometimes, I could just be easily empowered with love or feel the pains.
10. I become more mindful that’s for sure but in order to be right on that spot requires long process. To be mindful means not to just be aware, but also to take the actions with the right attitudes, not because you are triggered with angers/fears.
11. “You are your own best friend”. There will be a lot of moments, when your impatience and curiosity killed you and your ego strikes hard. You are so eager to find answers and yet, no one guides you or give you hints. You wrote everything, asked anything, reading articles, figured things out, looking for signs, confirmations, and no one seems to bother to help you. You feel helpless, you become angry, you questioned everything, but at the same time, you are forgetting that YOUR BEST(EST) FRIEND IS YOU! Your inner-self and your heart are giving answers you needed if you, give them moment to speak and let them be heard.
12. Relationship better and stronger because I start to love myself. My relationship with my mom wasn’t that peaceful, but nowadays, it gets better each time. And the same goes with my paw kids, they become more understanding and less egoistic. It’s like the mutual understanding between me and others are improved. Because it all begins with me; meditation and energy healing helps me to make it more syncs.
13. And of course, meditation keeps and maintains my energy in better level. Sometimes, I do ten minutes meditations before I start my work. I also do meditation to heal myself by balancing my chakras and imagining those sickness gone-by. Yes, you can heal your sickness too by meditation!

Meditation is more than just about calming your monkey minds. It also a soul-digger — it digs out the core of you; your soul, your darker sides, the sides you hate about yourself and also bring the good and best side of you and your heart.

“Meditation is about balancing the you in you” — by Me

What’s wrong by being angry, by speaking out our feelings, by showing our emotions, or by just writing the truth or writing your humble opinions? What’s wrong by showing actions and attitudes to others when it’s based on love not fears? It hurts other, but it also give an ultimatum for others to understand their boundaries and to know you more. Meditation makes you aware and make you growing, but you are your own healer.

Meditation is a personalised journey for everyone, depending on their intentions of doing so. I swear, I never thought of doing meditations, lots of private sessions, 7 days Awaken The Divine You’s programs, and others workshop offers in the TGSI’s centre. All I wanted is to live life full of love, laughter, joy, being wealthy (prosperity and glorious life) and of course with good health.

After getting into this meditation journey, no matter how fucked up the things are, there is this strong force inside of me that knows that help is on the way and I will get through it awesomely in the end. And that’s my friend, is the voice of your heart! Full of confidence, trust and hope that no matter how much tantrums you need to pass through, as long you are one with yourself, and believe in GOD and universe, things are falling into the right places and abundances are with you too. It happens for a reason, you either pass or fail. You either want to learn and grow or to just accept all the pains and blaming others and yourself.

For me, in one year, meditation is about me facing the emotions and the memories which are hidden and continuously eating me alive for years. Meditation does not make me calm, but it help me to get through the unforgotten pains, the memories I purposely buried, and the emotions that hurt my heart and damaged my organs slowly but surely. But I’m glad to face my own demons, weaknesses, and accepting them with an open arm and warm heart. Without them, my life wouldn’t be that exciting, wouldn’t it?

“ Meditation is the medium between your mind, body and soul that is speaking to you. “ — by Me

Well to conclude all, it has to come back to where all it began. The first signed up I did for Elemental’s workshop TGSI, back in February 2017. When I entered the main hall on the second floor, I just instantly felt home. It’s more like my soul and heart knows, that The Golden Space Indonesia is the place where I will find my peace and myself. Oh, Just for your information, I was full of anger, arrogant, and full of sh*t thoughts in that workshop that when I sat there, my mind was constantly telling me “Shit! What am I doing? and WTF is this?”

But hey, without that workshop and took the first step, I won’t be where I am right now. Yes, the anger and ego were taken over and showed it clearly with attitudes but that safe and homey feeling can be felt strongly. The calmness and peacefulness from this transformation and healing centre makes me want to come back even more, wanting to learn, to grow, to heal my heart, redeem my anger and bring back the cheerful side of me. All I want is to find place where I can be me with crazy dreams, where I can just discover more about myself with the gifts given to me and finding answers of spiritual things that dad told me.

Because right after I said goodbye and sat in the car, my heart whispered that “You’re at the right place — it’s your home”! Then my altered ego said “what the hell are you doing? it’s so weird and not like you expected”, but then, my soul knows and suddenly spoke so loud and concluded every thought in honest sentences, “this is the right hospital for your mental problems! for your mind to be more positive, for your angers to release, for your body to recover and for your soul to be fixed — you can be the to start a new life, and to be living life like how you wanted to live. “

This is how I concluded what Meditation are for me, from my experiences and understanding. Meditation has made me healthier because what causes any form of sickness is actually emotions. The pains that we feel are not because we are weak, but the pains are actually the language that our body and the organs are trying to tell you, STOP, LISTEN and FIX your problems!

https://www.instagram.com/thegoldenspaceindonesia/ — If you want to know more about this transformational, healing and meditation place in Central Jakarta at Sudirman Park. But they have an international branch too.

I’m not being paid to write these but I just want to tell the wanders in the Jakarta who is seeking answers for their problems; whether its mental , physical or spiritual issues! For spiritual issue that I faced is that my dad was actually tried to convey spiritual messages for me but he never able to explain nor direct me. I thought he was insane and later in ATDY’s program, I found the answers that whatever dad told me is confirmed by Master Umesh, himself. Then, I have always wanted to be healthy because mom and I know how weak my body was. But after I did workshops, private sessions and all, I found out that it isn’t that I was born weak. Those traumas, angers, sadness that is stored since I was in mom’s womb or those guilts that came from other people too that caused me to have fatty liver, headache, easily got flu, fever, cold, sore throat, backpain, shoulder pain and goes on. I even sacred of the rains that If I got wet, the next day I had fever and cold. But you know, it’s all come back to you; whether you want none/small/big changes depends on your willingness to learn, to fight the battles, and to accept yourself instead of defeating yourself by feeding more guilts. We are the healer of ourself because we are the only one who make the decisions, the actions, the consequences and decide the results we want. How can GOD helps you, if you don’t help yourself? You never be able to receive the love, if you don’t make a decision to accept, to listen, and to do action.